In workplaces across a range of industries, what might seem like “miscommunication” often arises from a subtler, deeper challenge: unspoken assumptions or hidden rules that shape how people engage. These unwritten mores – cultural, organisational, or social – frequently remain submerged beneath the surface. When we fail to listen beyond the words being exchanged, misunderstandings take root and grow. However, over decades of work in labour relations and organisational development, I’ve learnt that once we identify and bring these hidden rules into the open, previously uncharted terrain becomes visible. It’s as if everyone can finally see and share the same map – one that provides a unified understanding of the landscape and makes it far easier to chart a constructive path forward together.

Why Hidden Rules Matter

The concept of hidden rules might sound abstract, but these rules are very real in everyday workplace interactions. They may be implicit assumptions about how decisions are made, who holds authority, what “fairness” looks like, or whose voices carry the most weight. They often emerge from past experiences, historical conflicts, and cultural norms that have been passed down through a team, site, or organisation. Over time, these unwritten guidelines create an invisible framework against which individuals interpret each other’s words and actions.

The trouble is that different parties may hold conflicting assumptions without realising it. Without acknowledging these discrepancies, people often talk at cross-purposes. Instead of recognising and addressing the real source of friction, they remain fixated on surface-level disagreements. Left unchecked, these misunderstandings harden into persistent tension or outright conflict. Over time, trust erodes, communication breaks down, and cooperation becomes increasingly difficult. Leaders, therefore, must learn how to surface and navigate these hidden rules before conflicts become entrenched.

A Real-World Example from the Coalfields

This dynamic became strikingly clear during my time working on enterprise agreements in Australia’s coal industry in the mid-1990s—an era defined more by confrontation than collaboration. Negotiations were tense, and neither side found it easy to trust the other. One particular negotiation in the Hunter Valley stands out in my memory. Management representatives and union officials had gathered in a modest motel meeting room in Cessnock. The atmosphere was heavy, each side guarded and sceptical, and the unspoken assumption was that the other side would push until something broke.

During those discussions, one union official suddenly “lost it.” He raised his voice and pushed back hard against a proposal we had just put forward. His reaction seemed disproportionate, out of character, and baffling. At first glance, this appeared to be a straightforward breakdown in communication—perhaps we hadn’t made ourselves clear, or he’d misunderstood a detail. But I’d seen enough such incidents to suspect a deeper cause.

Later, after tempers cooled, I approached him one-on-one. “Mate, what’s happening?” I asked. “I need to understand why you felt so strongly back there.” He opened up once he’d calmed down. He explained that he had made a crucial assumption about our proposal – an assumption rooted in old grievances, outdated narratives, and the unspoken rules he believed governed how management behaved. From his viewpoint, our words confirmed a pattern he found threatening and unfair, even though this interpretation was not at all what we intended.

In truth, his assumption was inaccurate. As Peter Senge’s “Ladder of Inference” model suggests, we often select particular data, attach our own meaning, and climb mental rungs until we fully believe a story that may not be true. By the time he reacted, he wasn’t responding to our actual proposal, but to what he imagined lay beneath it. Once we exposed and challenged that assumption, the tension eased. When we returned to the negotiation table, we had a far clearer understanding of each other’s perspectives. It was as if a heavy curtain had been drawn back, revealing the true landscape underneath. Suddenly, both sides had the same map – the same understanding of the situation’s terrain. Instead of stumbling through darkness and stumbling into each other, we could navigate together toward a solution.

The Leader’s Role in Surfacing Hidden Rules

For leaders, learning to surface these hidden rules is a crucial skill. True leadership isn’t just about issuing directives or making inspiring speeches; it’s about understanding the human dimensions of teamwork and acknowledging that people’s reactions often stem from their assumptions rather than simple misunderstandings. Leaders who embrace this perspective know that conflict is rarely about the words on the page. Instead, it’s about the stories people tell themselves behind those words.

Active listening in this context goes well beyond the usual advice to “pay attention” or “maintain eye contact.” It means staying curious in the face of frustration, asking questions that invite deeper exploration, and creating a safe space for honest dialogue. Rather than rushing to fix the problem or dismissing the outburst, effective leaders help individuals unpack their thinking, identify their hidden assumptions, and bring them into the open.

Practical Strategies to Uncover Hidden Rules

1. Ask Open-Ended Questions:
   Move beyond simple yes/no queries. Invite people to explain their reasoning: “Can you walk me through what led you to that viewpoint?” Such open-ended questions encourage the speaker to reveal underlying beliefs and assumptions.
2. Acknowledge Emotions:
   Emotions often act as signposts pointing to hidden assumptions. Instead of brushing aside anger or frustration, enquire about its source: “I sense this is frustrating for you – can we talk about why that might be?” Emotions can be valuable clues to what’s really going on below the surface.
3. Reflect and Summarise:
   After someone has shared their perspective, paraphrase it to ensure you’ve understood. “So, you believed we were trying to undermine your team’s role – have I got that right?” This helps confirm a shared interpretation and puts everyone on the same page.
4. Name the Unspoken:
   If you sense an unvoiced narrative guiding the discussion, gently call it out: “I wonder if we’re assuming a zero-sum game here – where one side’s gain means the other’s loss. Let’s examine that.” Naming what’s lurking in the shadows helps bring it into the light.
5. Stay Curious and Patient:
   Complex conflicts often involve multiple layers of assumptions. Take the time to peel back these layers. Resist the urge to jump straight to solutions. By patiently exploring underlying beliefs, you ensure that when you do find a resolution, it’s built on a foundation of genuine understanding.

From Conflict to Clarity

By surfacing these hidden rules through patient inquiry and genuine curiosity, even highly charged confrontations can shift. Instead of two sides wrestling over incomplete or distorted stories, leaders who master this skill create an environment where everyone sees a more accurate, detailed map of the situation. With that clarity, conflict transforms into meaningful dialogue, supporting more productive, respectful, and enduring outcomes.

Far from being a sign of weakness, taking the time to uncover hidden assumptions demonstrates strong leadership. It shows a commitment to genuine resolution rather than papering over problems. Ultimately, when everyone shares the same map – when the hidden rules have been brought into the open – finding a path forward becomes not only possible, but a meaningful journey that strengthens relationships and lays a foundation of trust, understanding, and mutual respect.